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- I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
- The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy
- If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
- Jeff Foxworthy
- Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal (1947 - )
- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
- Jay Leno (1950 - )
- If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
- Jay Leno (1950 - )
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)
- If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)
- It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)
- I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)
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