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- In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995), Esar's Comic Dictionary
- Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
- Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.
- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995), Esar's Comic Dictionary
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