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- The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
- Bill Murray (1950 - )
- I like to play chess with old men in the park. But it's so hard to find 32 of them.
- Emo Phillips
- You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005), stand-up
- The first time I ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright (1955 - ), stand-up
- I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays.
- Demetri Martin, On James Corden, Sept. 7, 2018
- I like sports bars. Sports bars are great because they collect all of the people I don't want to hang out with, and put them in one room.
- Demetri Martin, The Overthinker, Netflix, 2018
- I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
- When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.
- C. S. Lewis (1898 - 1963)
- If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back.
- Lois McMaster Bujold, Diplomatic Immunity, 2002
- Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.
- Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982), What The Dead Men Say, 1964
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