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- Slap a mask on a drunk and you're going to have trouble. It's like having a live reenactment of anonymous forum comments.
- Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive, Masquerade, 09-09-13
- Guns don't kill people. People who say "Guns don't kill people" kill people. With guns.
- Rob Delaney, Twitter
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
- No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either.
- Marvin Minsky
- My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.
- Demetri Martin
- You know what uranium is, right? It's this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.
- Donald Trump (1946 - ), Press Conference, February 16, 2017
- I like to play chess with old men in the park. But it's so hard to find 32 of them.
- Emo Phillips
- You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005), stand-up
- The first time I ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright (1955 - ), stand-up
- I like sports bars. Sports bars are great because they collect all of the people I don't want to hang out with, and put them in one room.
- Demetri Martin, The Overthinker, Netflix, 2018
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