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- I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
- Jack Handey (1949 - ), Deep Thoughts
- I have nothing to say, and I am saying it, and that is poetry.
- John Cage (1912 - 1992)
- Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it.
- Paul Tillich (1886 - 1965), The Courage to Be
- We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
- Dave Barry (1947 - )
- If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work.
- John Alejandro King, My War On Terror!
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason (1934 - )
- Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
- Rita Mae Brown
- An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan
- Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld (1954 - )
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