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- My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977), A Day at the Races - 1936
- Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
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