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- America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)
- All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often.
- Stanislaw J. Lec (1909 - 1966), "Unkempt Thoughts"
- Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin.
- Stanislaw J. Lec (1909 - 1966), "Unkempt Thoughts"
- Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
- Stanislaw Lem (1921 - 2006)
- Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
- Dave Barry (1947 - )
- Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
- Dave Barry (1947 - ), "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
- I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
- Dave Barry (1947 - )
- I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
- As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
- George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
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