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- Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- [Television is] the triumph of machine over people.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
- The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
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