Quotations and Literature Forum

This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.

The bear says, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.

"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn't been in many bars."

So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars."

The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.

"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."

The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."

Heh. Thanks, I needed a good easy laugh.

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Michael Moncur
Owner and maintainer, The Quotations Page

NO OFFENSE BUT:I only laughed because it was so corny But, thecornier the joke the better.

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Thou, who canst guide the wandering star
Who calm’st the elemental war
Whose mantle is yon boundless sky
My thoughts, my words, my crimes forgive
And since I soon must cease to live
Instruct me how to die.~Lord Byron
Rogue insomniac

Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.

On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."

The hunters go out and return with two bears.

So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"

But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.

After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.

Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.

The pilot says, "About the same place we crashed last year."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"
Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a foot short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "

WOW!! those are really funny! That gave me the up-lift I needed!

_________________
Thou, who canst guide the wandering star
Who calm’st the elemental war
Whose mantle is yon boundless sky
My thoughts, my words, my crimes forgive
And since I soon must cease to live
Instruct me how to die.~Lord Byron
Rogue insomniac

Instruct me how to die

Rogue insomniac,

Is this why you are having troubles falling asleep? What about positive thinking?

P.S.

"I was quite enjoying the 'Power of positive thinking' until I heard that the author had committed suicide." Nick Job

Everyone ought to have at least one bear story. I have a few. The next bear that I shoot will be my third. I don't know when that will be but when it happens you can bet I will post it on the Internet. The best bear story that I heard was told to me by one of my turkey hunting buddies of yesteryear. He worked as a pharmacist but he was a duck hunter by avocation. I was trying to teach him how to hunt turkeys but I didn't know what I was doing at the time. Anyway, we were camped at the Big L. My buddy told me that he went to Camp Philmont when he was a Boy Scout. He said they were camped at some place there in the mountains of New Mexico and bears came walking into the camp at night. He said a bear laid down at the end of his tent (right on top of his feet and went to sleep). He said it was so heavy that he couldn't get his feet out from under that bear. All he could do was lay awake during the night and worry about that bear.

That was a strange post by "Tali."

Norman Vincent Peale, the author of “The Power of Positive Thinking” died at his home on Christmas Eve, 1993, at the age of 95, still active and alert (right up until he died, of course).
http://www.horatioalger.com/member/pea52.htm
http://www.guideposts.org/aboutus/founders.asp
http://www.successcentre.com.au/authors ... thorID=607

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"
The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Gard ... htm#joke04

Way back in October of f 1999 my good buddy Roger and I were attending a week-long appraisal school in Gatlinburg, Tennesee. We were lodged at the Holiday Inn Sun Spree. When I met Roger for breakfast on Monday moring he seemed a bit perplexed. As I was having my coffee I got to hear a real life bear story.

Roger said that as he was sleeping during the night he heard something pounding on his window. He said he got out of bed and walked to the window and opened the drapes. When he opened the drapes he saw a bear standing on the opposite side of the glass. The bear pounded the glass hard enough to send him reeling. Roger said he grabbed the phone and took it into the bathroom then called the swithboard operator.

"Hello"

"This is room 116 and there is a bear standing outside my window, trying to get in!"

"We'll send someone right out!"

BZZZZZZZZZZ!

As it was learned. Roger had left a box of Cracker Jack on the inside of the window sill. The box had been opened. The air/heater was a window unit that was installed beween the floor and the window sill. The outdraft of the air was pulling the scent of the Cracker Jack outside the window. The bear happened to be browsing around outside and there was a dumpster not far from the room.

And what is the moral of this story?

Only YOU can keep Cracker Jacks out of the window!

And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If a bear should come before I wake
I pray the Lord that I’ll be safe.

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear you give birth children (who are the size of a
walnut) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly
cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...gonna be a bear.

P.S. Personally I have no problem living in a man's world, if and only if I am a woman. Who said that?

One night during the local bear hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a bear hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other beer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be.

The bear hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Whether you intended to or not, your typo

cracked me up.

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks. Poppa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl and it also is empty. "Who's been eating
my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who made the coffee."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water & food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with
your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one
time..
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE @#$%&* PORRIDGE YET!"

I have hunted bear on several occasions but I have never fished in the nude.

I can't believe nobody's said this one, you always find it on humourous cards.

A bear and a squirrel are sitting in the forest, the bear looks quite thoughtful, so the squirrel says:

"Hey, what's the matter with you."

So the bear says, "do you ever find that poo sticks to your fur?"

The Squirrel replies, "no" and with a scoop of his giant hands the bear grabs the squirrel and wipes his backside with him.

-fish are quick!

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"The proper study of mankind is man."
Alexander Pope