Quotations and Literature Forum

It is currently Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:56 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 236 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 12:43 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:42 am
Posts: 761
Location: Oklahoma
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good
looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?'
she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,' said the madam. 'No. I must see Valerie,' was
the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a
visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie
explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row (too expensive)
and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the
man.

'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?' The man replied, 'South Dakota.' 'Really!' she said.
'I have family in South Dakota.' 'I know,' the man said.


'Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to
give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

_________________
Have Fun, Good Luck.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:15 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
After 8 months at sea a sailor finally gets shore leave. He makes for the nearest brothel, throws $1000.00 on the counter and demands the fattest, ugliest girl and a toasted cheese sandwich.
The madam tells him for a thousand he can have 2 of the most beautiful girls and a slap up dinner with champagne.
"Look", he says, "I'm not hungry or randy, I'm just homesick!"

_________________
السلام عليكم


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 2:59 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Dave and Johnno meet up at the pub on Friday night and Dave's looking a bit down.

"What's wrong, mate?" asks Johnno.

"Well", said Dave, "I'm in to this loan shark for $1000 and he said that if I don't repay the full amount plus ten points by Monday, I'll have an unfortunate accident."

"Don't worry, mate." said Johnno, "I'll cover you and you can repay me next week."

So Johnno spots Dave the necessary cash and they meet again in the pub on the next Friday night.

"Here you go", says Dave, dropping a parcel wraped in newspaper on Johnno's lap.

"What's this?" asks Johnno.

"It's 10kg of calamari" says Johnno.

"What?" says Dave. "Calamari? What the hell is that for?"

"Well", says Johnno, "you fronted me some cash last week to get me out of trouble and this is the payback... s'quid pro quo."

_________________
السلام عليكم


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 3:59 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MugQDD2FcKQ

_________________
السلام عليكم


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 5:30 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB ... re=related

_________________
السلام عليكم


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: now that's funny
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:34 pm 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Thu Aug 21, 2008 6:52 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Salmon Arm BC Canada
Two Irishmen get up and leave the bar...
What?!!
It could 'happen'.
:!: :!: :!:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 2:37 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye, sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"


"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook
is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it
be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to
steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4-knot speed limit in this stretch of
water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they
said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment
for the differently abled."

"'Differently abled'? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of
visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew
up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.
You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put
on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the
lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal
punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case, kiss me, Hardy." ""

_________________
السلام عليكم


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:00 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:42 am
Posts: 761
Location: Oklahoma
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
Asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
It, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher..

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Shite,' the Rottweiler
ate Him!

_________________
Have Fun, Good Luck.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:10 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:25 pm
Posts: 1217
Location: Australia
http://images.tvnz.co.nz/tvnz_images/ne ... /Jobad.jpg

_________________
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:57 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:42 am
Posts: 761
Location: Oklahoma
The Man Rules
At LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR ' the rules '!
From the female side.

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE! !


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a BIG GIRL.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question, MAYBE is not.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as basketball
or FOOTBALL.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Fast food is NOT considered a home cooked meal and
Neither is microwaveable food

1. We wear the pants in the relationship
but sometimes we lend them to you
so we don’t violate woman’s rights.

1.Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

_________________
Have Fun, Good Luck.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:40 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
A frog went to a fortune teller and she told him that one day very soon, a beautiful young woman would be very interested in him.

"She'll want to know what makes you tick", said the fortune teller. "She'll want to know everything about you. She'll want to know you inside and out."

"Wow", said the frog, "that's great. Where will I meet her?"

The fortune teller looked deeply into her crystal ball and said "Biology class... dissection day".

_________________
السلام عليكم


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 5:39 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:25 pm
Posts: 1217
Location: Australia
http://www.berkeleybreathed.com/pages/F ... .asp?ID=11

_________________
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 2:47 am 
Offline
Zen Rebel
Zen Rebel

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:31 am
Posts: 1737
Location: Macedonia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJnCZOw3igY

A rap battle, translated in regular english. :P

It's better than I'm making it sound. Honest. :D

che

_________________
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Awesome
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:20 am 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Thu Aug 21, 2008 6:52 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Salmon Arm BC Canada
First rap song I get. :mrgreen:

Two men look out through the same bars: One sees the mud and one the stars.
Frederick Langbridge (1849 - 1923)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:26 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:42 am
Posts: 761
Location: Oklahoma
A little girl is outside, in her backyard, digging a 3x3x3 hole in the ground.

The next door neighbor sees her across the wooden fence and asks.

"Whatcha doin' there lass?"

The little girl responds "I'm burying me goldfish."

The neighbor then asks "But why is the hole so big."

The little girl says "Because your %@$*!# cat ate it!"

_________________
Have Fun, Good Luck.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 236 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16  Next

All times are UTC - 7 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group