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PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 6:45 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri May 25, 2007 6:20 am
Posts: 166
Location: A Place I call sanity...
gumtree wrote:
52 things you would love to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!!!!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.!!!

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you just a black hole of need?

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over
your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.


No 22 is definitely my favourite :evil:


I actually have #49 on a T-shirt I got from Wal-Mart. :P

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“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”


~Albert Einstein


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 7:32 pm 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:25 pm
Posts: 1217
Location: Australia
Come to Australia -

Junk food is the least of your worries :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNEeq5qGh8I

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 1:22 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:34 am
Posts: 324
Location: Knysna, SA
MAHAHAHA!

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-Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort. -
Franklin D. Roosevelt


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 Post subject: joke
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:46 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:30 am
Posts: 28
cool i got some other jokes and very funny stories....well most of the jokes are dumb but il write them anyways.
This woman and this man(obviously husband and wife) are at their house and the wife its having a shower... while taking a shower she shouts: dear will you be kind enough to bring me the shampoo!!! to which the husband replys: honey!! you have it right there!! next to you!! to which the wife says:its not the right one it says for dry hair and mine its wet!!

This young couple have a fatal accident before they can marry and they reach heaven,there they beg St.Peter to marry them, but saint peter cant cause all the priests(catholic) are in hell due to some sexual excandals....and tells them to wait,they wait for a week and they ask again but no priest has reach heaven, a month pass,and another month till a year pass.... one day St.peter comes rushing to them ans says.i have a priest quick you can get married!! so they perform the ceremony and they live happily, but after some months they discover that they cant stand each other so they want to divorce,they go to St. Peter and tells him that they want to divorce to which St Peter replys: Are you crazy it took so long for a priest to die and get here you know what are the odds of a judge dying and coming here ARE??

and last this joke cames from my 4 years living on greece, based on real events and the way they drive its no joke they are insane!!
ok this orthodox priest dies while a greek bus driver dies too they both go to heaven there St Peter its wating for them...and tells them your rooms in heaven will we awarded as your perfromance on earth,the priest says to the bus driver:i have the best room than you i bet on it I am a priest so naturally ill get the best ones!! St peter goes and shows them the rooms first they stop at one door it opens and this huge room with a huge bed,a toilet ,carpet floors,marble columns, hot tub,and a band of angels singing everytihng all high tech tv,musics etc..... the priest sees it and syas ooo my this is my room right?? and St peter says: NO its not yours its the bus drivers!! the priest gets a bit anoyed but then thinks that if the bus driver gets that then he will get smt much better cause of his status,they reach his room and the doors open,and this 5 by 5 room,wiht a matress with the springs coming out,rock floor,no windows,barely anytihgn,a boucket for a toilet and a hose for a shower... the priest gets so frusttrated and p--- that he shouts at St peter: WHAT ITSTHIS THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! HOW CAME THIS PORKER WHO HAS NEVER PRAY AND LESS BE CAST HAVE MUCH MORE STUFF THAN ME!! A TRUE SERVER OF THE FAITH!!! I DEMAND AN EDPLANATION!!so St peter agrees for God to explain it to him...god says well dear priest i know you have dedicated your whole life to me but your ceremonial mass were boring the people fel sleep and didnt pray at all, the fall sleep and everythign they stpo coming to your church,and thats why you get a smaller room you didnt expand the faith,as the bus driver did.... HOW SO??the priest says.....well god continueS: when he drove the bus and took a bit of speed all of the passenger cross themselves and pray like crazy!!!!

i think the expresion its cross your self when you do the cross sing on your chest but i think there is another word i think its santiguete or smt lik it care to help?? 8)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 2:30 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 12:39 am
Posts: 760
Location: still melbourne...*rolls eyes*
this is not so much a joke/tale so much as what we did

it mas our friend's sweet 16th and her parents had taken her out for the day for a big shopping day so we asked for permission to put together an 'extra special' gift for her
...
permission granted! *yay*
we set to work early as soon as they left *we had a sleep over under cover of it being our b'day celebration for her but it was too*
anyway we got up early and covered her room in post it notes with the items name written on it or a witty comment
eg 'chair' on a chai and then each leg had 'leg' and also on the bit where you sit it had 'sit here' it looked amazing because we had been gathering lot's of post it notes for about two weeks so we definitely got everything

after the job was done we all left to our respective homes to wait for her recaction the next day

see we had set up a video camera too *covered in post it notes of course*
and it was hilarious!! :mrgreen:

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well my we are now oficially broken up, i have a new guy who is looking quite good though and he really does enjoy my company, let's see if this blossoms into a lovely thing?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 6:59 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:34 am
Posts: 324
Location: Knysna, SA
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions





and her's the site :)

http://smiling4life.blogspot.com/

_________________
-Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort. -
Franklin D. Roosevelt


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 8:11 am 
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Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2009 4:07 am
Posts: 49
Location: http://bcheap.com
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought you were told to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:25 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:25 pm
Posts: 1217
Location: Australia
Rural Australian Computer Terminology

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The girl at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

_________________
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 1:59 pm 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
I was driving along the motorway when my missus suddenly pipes up
"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country."
"Why's that?" I enquired.
"Well" she said "the kids are breathing onto the window and writing in the mist and it says "stit ruoy su wohs."

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السلام عليكم


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 2:02 pm 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Rag were having a drink.

At first they talked about cars and homes, and true to form, the Rag had the swankiest car and the biggest house. Then they got to talking about children's names.

'My son was born on St David's Day', remarked the Welshman, 'So - look you, we obviously Christened him David.'

'That's a real coincidence', observed the Englishman', My son was born on Michaelmas Day, 29th of September, so we decided to call him Michael.'

'That's remarkable', piped up the Rag , 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

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السلام عليكم


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 2:04 pm 
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QuoteMaster

Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:16 am
Posts: 3140
Location: Melbourne, Australia
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
Administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and
After checking the Paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be Rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and
they Stop to have a Chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "Sorry mate you're a day late."

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السلام عليكم


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