Quotations and Literature Forum

It is currently Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:49 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: WHOPPERS
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2002 12:38 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
Just the other day I was thinking about the biggest lies that I had ever heard in my life.

One day in 1997 I was sitting at the counter in the Huddle House watching my breakfast being cooked. William, the cook, told me that he was getting ready to retire. He appeared to be only in his early 30's so I asked him how he had managed such an early retirement? William explained that he had worked as the Executive Chef at a prominent restaurant in Nashville for ten years. He then insisted that he had invested 50% of his earnings in mutual funds. I complimented him on outstanding finacial managment. He then told me that he planned to buy a houseboat and live on the Tennessee River in Perryville, Tennessee. (I thought that sounded like an ideal way to retire.) I explained that I had graduated from college in 1980 and had worked 17 years but had managed to save less than 10% of my earnings.

About one week later I went back to the Huddle House for breakfast. There was a new cook working and I asked her if William had retired? She cackled like a hen. She said that William was in the County Jail because they caught him (on video tape) stealing money from the safe. He could not even afford to pay bail. She said that they had been coming up short for months. :o


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2002 11:30 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
This is the punishment of a liar: He is not believed even when he speaks the truth.

--Babylonian Talmud, Sanhendrin

I have shared one of the biggest lies that I have ever been told. And how could I forget it? I will share two more of the biggest lies that I have ever heard. Number two will be posted on Monday. What was the biggest lie that you ever heard?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 20, 2002 7:46 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
Back in 92 I was contracted to buy lands needed for an improved highway project in Lexington, Tennessee. A the time I was living in Lexington. One day I called on a property owner and he invited me into his home to discuss the proposed plans. The living room was full of Alabama "Crismson Tide" stuff all over the place. I asked the guy if he played football at Lexington during high school? The guy told me that he was the starting quarterback for the Lexington "Big Red" Tigers in the fall of 73 and the fall of 74. I told him that I had started as middle linebacker for the Huntingdon Mustangs in the fall of 73 and 74. Since Lexington and Huntingdon were bitter rivals we discussed the games in detail. The guy then told me that he was given a football scholarship at the University of Alabama. He went on to explain that he got hurt during the spring of his Freshman year.

I could remember the star players of Lexington for both years but I had never heard of this guy. When I got home I looked in my wife's year book. (She graduated from Lexington High in 1976.) I found the guy's picuture but he was not an athlete. (He never dressed out for a football practice during high school and never attended U.A.) Mark Stripling was the quarterback for the Big Red in 1974.

Now why in the world would a grown man tell me such a incredible lie? :?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2002 8:39 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
In my line of work it seems that I deal with liars on a regular basis. Sometimes a lie amounts to a simple misrepresentation of the truth. People who are crazy will lie about being sane. People who are poor will lie about being rich. I am not saying that I have never misrepresent the truth. In my life I have told white lies, black lies and a few smelly lies.

When I was a youngster I had been camping with my friends. During the middle of the night I woke up with an overwhelming need to have a bowel movement . It was quite painful. I managed to get about two steps outside of the tent door when the bomb inside my intestines exploded. I can still remember being amazed by the utter vulgarity of it. Luckily my tent mates were not arroused from their slumber. And what should I do? I simply dug a shallow hole and proceeded to bury the accident. I then stuck the small spade in the pile of dirt above the hole. Afterwards I just crawled back in the tent and cut some Z's.

The following morning I was asked about the mound of dirt with the spade sticking in it?
"Steve, did you take a dump in front of the tent last night?
(I said that I dug the hole.)
"Why did you dig a latrene so close to the tent?)
(I said that I dug the hole in case I had the urge to get up in the middle of the night to use the latrene.)
"It sure smells like a sewer around here."

I had insisted that I did not use the latrene (in spite of the obvious odor). How could I admit it? My camping companions bought my lie, hook, line and sinker. They just went about the business of tending camp. Twenty years later we were having a reunion and the story was brought back to my attention.

If you want to hear the third biggest lie that I was ever told then you might take a peep in here on Friday. :mrgreen:


Last edited by Phantom_Delta on Thu May 23, 2002 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2002 12:19 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 5:35 am
Posts: 1607
A train of thought is never false. The falsehood lies deep in the necessities of existence, in secret fears and half-formed ambitions, in the secret confidence combined with a secret mistrust of ourselves, in the love of hope and the dread of uncertain days.~Joseph Conrad (1857-1924), Under Western Eyes (1911).

Females are much better at knowing what someone else is thinking, and that makes it easier to manipulate someone’s mind with a better lie... They are better able to detect the emotions that people are feeling, just from looking at their eyes. Girls learn to mind read at an earlier age than boys. That makes it easier to lie.~British writer Sanjida O’Connor, who spent five months studying the art of lying for her book, “Mindreading,” claims that women are better liars than men, who are more apt to tell simpler and less believable lies. People who are attractive looking or who hold powerful positions are also said to be successful liars. “John F. Kennedy is a very good example. He was nice looking, and was very charming and charismatic. He got away with a lot.’


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2002 9:28 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
For never was it given to mortal man
To lie so boldly as we women can.

--Pope, Wife of Bath's Prologue
__________________________

About three years ago I found a tract of land that I wanted to bid on. I researched the tax records and discovered that the tax notices were mailed to Texas. I mailed a letter to the person who was paying the taxes. They wrote me back to inform me that the current owner lived in South Flordia. When I called the woman who owned the land she wanted to discuss the transaction in person so she flew to Tennessee. During our meeting she persisited in talking about her ex-husband. She said that she was recently divorced and moved from Texas to Florida. She also said that she and her husband had owned a trucking company and their net worth was 11.5 million dollars. I asked her why they split up? She said that she came home one day and found her husband passed out on the sofa with a syringe stuck in his arm. He had been mainlining heroine. She said called 911 then packed her bags and left.

About a week later she shows up at their house. She said that she had diviorce papers prepared and presented them to him for signing. She said he refused to sign them so she stuck the muzzle of a .357 magnum to his head and asked him again. He signed the papers. I asked her what the trucks hauled.? She insisted that the trucks hauled nitro glycerin and other sensitive explosives. She then tells me that she worked a surgical nurse charge. She tells me that she has three master's degree. She tells me that she is Witch. She tells me that she is a diesel mechanic

I was never able to figure how much of this was true or false. It didn't matter because it was one of the best stories that I ever heard. :lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2002 6:21 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
During October of 1970 the Church that I was attending had scheduled an overnight camping trip for the benefit of boys between the ages of 11 and 17. On Friday afternoon I arrived at the Church. We loaded our gear in a truck then boarded the Church Bus. The bus carried us about 60 miles north to Reelfoot Lake. (The truck followed.) It was almost dark when we arrived but we managed to get our tents up. The Ramrod took us to a nice restaurant to eat a fish dinner (rather than fool with cooking). We had a fine meal then went back to camp for a traditional campfire. I can remember roasting marshmellows. There was singing and story telling. We then bedded down for a sleepless night of monkey business.

We arrived back at the church around 3:00 p.m. on the following day. I had to call my parents to come get me but they were off shopping or somehting. Consequently I had to wait around the Church for a while. Another boy named Bobby was also waiting around for his parents. We were horsing around in the back of the Church and Bobby decided to see how the fire extinguisher worked. (I was a little bit curious myself but this was Bobby's idea). The fire extinguisher was hanging on the wall in an inverted posture. Bobby convinced me to help him lift it from the brackets. We then turned it upside down just like the instructions said. IN CASE OF FIRE, TURN UPSIDE DOWN. Nothing happened. We were a bit puzzled about the process. It took about 5 seconds for the chemicals to mix. The unit began spraying this thick heavy foam with considerable pressure. The hose was going every which way and making a real mess in the hall way. I saw the panic set into Bobby's expression. The unit would not stop spraying. We turned the fire extinguisher right side up but it kept on spraying. Bobby made a quick suggestion to put the unit inside the Women's restroom. After that, he ran from the back of the church all the way through the sanctuary. I caught him right before he exited the front door. I convinced him that we couldn't just leave. We had left tracks of foam all over the carpet.

When we got back to the Women's rest room the unit had almost quit spraying. We opened the door and the foam was knee deep. I decided to report the accident to the Ramrod. He lived across the street. When I knocked on the door he told me that he had a migraine head ache and did not wish to be disturbed. Ok! I went back inside the Church I couldn't believe what a mess we had made. We decided to "wing-it" and just go outside and wait for our parents to arrive.

The next moring when I arrived at Church everyone who saw me congratulated me on the fine mess that I had made. Bobby had arrived earlier and made a point to tell everyone that I was responsible for the incident. Most people thought it was hillarious. I got hung for the deed but I never even got a mild reprimand form my parents.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2002 6:51 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 1:08 pm
Posts: 102
Hello, I'm from the government. I'm here to help you.

_________________
Regards,
Lou
I feel like a fugitive from th' law of averages.
— Bill Mauldin


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2002 11:57 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
www.webcom.com/jrudolph/joke_3lies.html


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 29, 2002 5:50 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
Over the years I have been told a great many lies (and I guess that I have told my fair share of them). If I had kept a log of the best lies that I was ever told then perhaps I could share a few more. I have lied about being late for work more than once.

"The reason that I am late for work is because I ran out of gas." The reason that I ran out of gas was because I was low on money and I elected to buy a six-pack of beer instead of $5.00 worth of gasoline (yesterday evening). I thought that I could run another 40 miles after my gas gauge reached empty.

I am married but we are getting a divorce.
(I am married but sometimes I wish we were divorced.)

My wife doesn't understand me.
(My wife understands me better than my mother but she insist that she has a headache all the time.)

"Its not the money but the principle of the thing."
(It is not really the principle of the thing but the kitty is just not sweet enough.)

Everything that Harry says is a lie but Harry says he told the truth.
(Did Harry lie or tell the truth?)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2002 7:57 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
On June 1st my brother and I will float the Buffalo River in Tennessee to celebrate my upcoming 45th birthday. I aim to buy a ten-piece box of Kentucky Fried Chicken to put in the Igloo. (I enjoy eating the chicken the wiping my greasy hands on my swimming trunks.) We might do a little site seeing and a little swimming. :roll:

I have enclosed a link to a photo that I shot on the Buffalo. I thought some of you might enjoy the scenery.

http://www.outdoorsite.com/gallery/inde ... &mode=view


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2002 10:32 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
Fibbing is to fishing as sipping is to drinking.

(That's what I say.) The how and why of telling whoppers about catching whoppers is an integral part of the fishing experience. There are numerous ways and reasons to fabricate information. If the fish aren't biting we say that the fish are biting. If the fish are biting then we say that the fish are not biting. If we catch small fish then we lie and say we caught big fish. If we catch big fish then we might say that we didn't catch a thing (in order to conceal the location of where the big one was caught [to keep our buddies out of the honey hole]). In almost any event. it is fun to lie about fishing (like how many beers we drank). Sometimes we even might lie about even going fishing. We might lie about what lures are produtive and what lures are not productive. There is always something creative to lie about.

"Were have you been today dear?"
(Me? I have been fishing all day honey.)
"That's unusual."
(Me? Why?)
"Because you don't smell like a fish! Did you not catch any?"
(Me? You nailed me dear. I have been to Wings Field to watch the sky divers but I didn't think you would approve. Would you like to go to the Outback to eat a Blooming Onion?)
"Why yes. That is a great idea."

One of my more notorious lies about fishing began in 1992. My fishing buddy drove up to my house one day to show me a 6 pound bass he caught. I asked him what he aimed to do with it? He said he wanted to give it to me because he thought I could tell the better lies. I said thank ye then drove to the taxidermist.

About two months later my 6 pound bass was mounted. I took it to the office and put it on the wall. I claimed that I caught it on Pin Oak Lake with on a Lazy Ike lure. The mounted bass had a Lazy Ike in its open mouth.

One day I just got tired of telling lies about the fish so I took the mounted bass back to my buddy and gave it to him.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2002 11:37 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
There are deeds in my past that could be described as nefarious. If the love of money is the root of all evil then the lack of it is the tap root. And if evil is likened to a plant that grows from the earth then surely there must be fruit its branches. The fuit of the looms? As I was pondering the biggest lies that I had ever told two came to mind. Yes I was once young and also a bit foolish but clever as well. If confession is good for the soul then you might say that I have repented from such deeds.

In the fall of 1979 I was in my Senior year of college and very low on funds. One day I drove to Union City, Tennessee and ordered 1000 raffle tickets to be printed for a raffle. The Whitetail Hunting Club would be raffling off a Marlin 30-30 deer rifle and the tickets would cost $1.00 each. Since there was no Whitetail Hunting Club I recruited two of my fraternity brothers into this scheme. One was a pre-dentistry major who like to say, "I am going to be a Jessie James in a white coat." The other was a pre-law major who liked to say, "I am going to be a Jessie James in a black coat." The three of us became the WHC and no one would ever know. Raffles were quite common on campus, especially on fraternity row.

The object of the scheme was to sell 1000 raffle tickets and then buy a Marlin 30-30 and draw a winner. I gave the two Jessies 250 tickets each and kept 500 for myself. We agreed on a ten-day deadline for the drawing. I canvased the campus and I canvased the town. At the end of ten days I had sold my 500 tickets. "Want to buy a chance on a deer rifle?" Near the end I had sold some at the bargain rate of three for a dollar. My net proceeds were $452.00. Jessie in the white coat had sold less than one hundred tickets and Jessie in the black coat had sold less than two hundred. We burned the unsold raffle tickets. The cost of the gun was about $120.00 and I asked my two partners to chip in $35.00 each. They both claimed to have spent all but $20.00 of their proceeds. I collected the $40.00 and said I would take care of the drawing.

The winner of the drawing was posted on the fraternity bulletin board. It was a generic name and no one thought anything about it. I really enjoyed that Marlin 30-30 and would eventually shoot my finest deer with it. I used the balance of the proceeds to finance a rather generous deer camp for my friends in the fall of 1979.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jun 12, 2002 6:44 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
One day as I was fishing on Lake Juniper I noticed a raccoon working the shore. The coon looked to me like it was hungry. I pulled one of the smaller fish from my live well and pitched it on the bank. That coon walked right up to the fish and started munching on it. I just sat in my Jon boat and watched it as I drank a beer. When the coon finished eating the fish it appeared to signal to me with its hands. Well I just skulled the boat toward the bank. The coon climbed right into the boat with me then sat on the front seat and picked up a fishing rod.

We fished for a spell and I told that coon some of my favorite vulgar jokes. He laughed and laughed. The more I drank the more vulgar the jokes became. Finally I quit telling jokes. The coon climbed off the seat then reached over the livewell and lifted the lid on my Igloo ice chest.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2002 1:53 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2002 3:01 pm
Posts: 806
Location: Jackson, Tennessee
Way back in the summer of 1976 it became an absolute necessity to check myself into the cheapest motel that I could find. The woman who was working the desk was right cute. She gave me a key for room 217. Well, I walked up the flight of stairs and found my room. As I was working the key in the keyhole I found it difficult to unlock this door. Someone called out, "WHO IS IT?" Well, someone must be inside my room? I kept jiggling the key and the voice called out again, "WHO IS IT?" Whoever was in my room was starting to panic. Must have been some folks engaged in some afternoon delight or some other unspeakable monkey business. The guy said he was going to call the law! Well, it was my mistake. I never said a word but shuffled a few steps to room #217 and opened the door. I plopped down on the bed and one of the bed post broke. I used the Gideon Bible and the local phone directory to support the broken post then turned on the televison.

About ten minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was a policeman. He wanted to know if someone had tried to break into my room? I said, "yeah but the guy must have wandered off. Let me know if you catch him."


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: DyncDocaovala, Yahoo [Bot] and 15 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group