Quotations and Literature Forum

It is currently Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:39 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 14 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: poem
PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 7:23 pm 
Offline
DedeKorkut
DedeKorkut

Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:36 am
Posts: 831
Location: Turan
well,i wrote another one.what do u think about it?

Something inside me,dear,
Is causing too much pain,
I will fade soon,I fear,
Will melt me,this damned rain...

My humour will collapse,
Where it goes to,who knows?
But,like a cursed corpse,
My fear lurks in shadows...

Lightning comes from the sky!
So,my poor heart shatters...
My eyes no longer cry,
"...and nothing else matters..."

_________________
"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 3:18 pm 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:52 pm
Posts: 1744
Location: SEA
Love sucks. Tony.
But We Like It , Still
Mind Can Conceive
But The Heart Always Concedes

_________________
Life is a lesson. Learn from it.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 4:40 am 
Offline
Zen Rebel
Zen Rebel

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:31 am
Posts: 1737
Location: Macedonia
Bummer.

But the poem really isn't all that great. Probably cause your English isn't all that great either. It's unoriginal and needs a grammar check to boot. Commas abound in the strangest places and the rhythm is kinda lame.

Sorry. Just my take on it. You DID ask.

_________________
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: poem
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 5:13 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:40 am
Posts: 4043
Location: Land of the Pyramids
Tonyukuk wrote:
well,i wrote another one.what do u think about it?

Something inside me,dear,
Is causing too much pain,
I will fade soon,I fear,
Will melt me,this damned rain...

My humour will collapse,
Where it goes to,who knows?
But,like a cursed corpse,
My fear lurks in shadows...

Lightning comes from the sky!
So,my poor heart shatters...
My eyes no longer cry,
"...and nothing else matters..."


Awesome !


Thanks for sharing...


Libra.

_________________
Being a lady is an attitude.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 7:14 am 
Offline
DedeKorkut
DedeKorkut

Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:36 am
Posts: 831
Location: Turan
thanks,arrow,dear libra...
and especially,che.

I'm very impressed by shakespeare,so i wanna write good poems as well as my Turkish poems,one day.I'm still working on my english,so your recommadations help me too much.thanks,che (:

_________________
"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 4:53 pm 
Offline
Zen Rebel
Zen Rebel

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:31 am
Posts: 1737
Location: Macedonia
:) Glad to be of service.

Basically, what you should do is find words that create a rhythm. You don't make a rhythm by peppering the poem with arbitrarily placed commas.

Next- your metaphors have been used to death, a million times over already. They're tired. Think of new ones.

Third- Pain and Rain? I mean, really? Come on. You can do better than that. :)

che

_________________
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 8:25 am 
Offline
DedeKorkut
DedeKorkut

Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:36 am
Posts: 831
Location: Turan
hahaha If i could do these three,I would be a new shakespeare (:

_________________
"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:01 am 
Offline
New member
New member

Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:59 am
Posts: 1
Its so nice.There is a great website that has an innovative and creative way to touch hearts. They help you to express yourself in the most meaningful way that will impress anyone. Please get in touch with: www PlakYourPoem com and experience the essence of inspiring gifts.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 4:58 am 
Offline
QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:49 am
Posts: 1201
Location: UK
Its good Tony. As Che says, be aware of the grammer your using when you write. When you place a comma, think what effect it will have if you place it there and if you don't. Your poem reads quite broken up at the moment because of the commas you used. It works and gives an interesting effect, and if that was intended then thats great.

If you like Shakespeare, try writing a few sonnets. Just practice with the form. Look up different sonnets and work within their form.

Keep writing.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 11:41 am 
Offline
DedeKorkut
DedeKorkut

Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:36 am
Posts: 831
Location: Turan
thanks,moshei.I don't like shakespeare,i adore him.but i think i must give up,i see that my poems in english does not worth anything,and i prefer doing something at the best.if i can't,i don't even try.but many thanks...

_________________
"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:55 pm 
Offline
Zen Rebel
Zen Rebel

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:31 am
Posts: 1737
Location: Macedonia
My advice to you is just that- better write in your native language. Poetry is difficult, if not impossible to write well in a foreign tongue.

All the scenes, phrases and emotions that come to you naturally in Turkish will sound clumsy and awkward in English because it doesn't come naturally. And this is detrimental to writing a good poem. :)

_________________
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:54 pm 
Offline
DedeKorkut
DedeKorkut

Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:36 am
Posts: 831
Location: Turan
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and temperate...
(Shkspr)

and what about this one:

Compare me to a corpse,poet!
It's more alive and temperate...


( me :wink: )

_________________
"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 1:09 pm 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:28 am
Posts: 11
Location: Boston, MA
I'm no poet


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:03 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator

Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 10:18 pm
Posts: 3409
Location: Wisconsin
Something inside me
Is causing much pain,
I will fade soon I fear,
Will this rain melt me from my chains

My humor will collapse,
Where it goes to
Who knows?
But like a cursed corpse
My fear lurks in shadows...

Lightning comes from the sky!
So,my poor heart shatters...
My eyes no longer cry,
And nothing else matters

Take no offense to this. I am just editing, and changing the one line to give you an idea as to what Che means. You also do not have to rhyme everything.

Raven

_________________
"You must learn there is a time to speak all of the truth, and a time to govern your tongue."
~Verin (The Wheel of Time)


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 14 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot], DyncDocaovala and 8 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group