Quotations and Literature Forum

well,i wrote another one.what do u think about it?

Something inside me,dear,
Is causing too much pain,
I will fade soon,I fear,
Will melt me,this damned rain...

My humour will collapse,
Where it goes to,who knows?
But,like a cursed corpse,
My fear lurks in shadows...

Lightning comes from the sky!
So,my poor heart shatters...
My eyes no longer cry,
"...and nothing else matters..."

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"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire

Love sucks. Tony.
But We Like It , Still
Mind Can Conceive
But The Heart Always Concedes

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Life is a lesson. Learn from it.

Bummer.

But the poem really isn't all that great. Probably cause your English isn't all that great either. It's unoriginal and needs a grammar check to boot. Commas abound in the strangest places and the rhythm is kinda lame.

Sorry. Just my take on it. You DID ask.

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Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.

Awesome !


Thanks for sharing...


Libra.

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Being a lady is an attitude.

thanks,arrow,dear libra...
and especially,che.

I'm very impressed by shakespeare,so i wanna write good poems as well as my Turkish poems,one day.I'm still working on my english,so your recommadations help me too much.thanks,che (:

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"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire

Glad to be of service.

Basically, what you should do is find words that create a rhythm. You don't make a rhythm by peppering the poem with arbitrarily placed commas.

Next- your metaphors have been used to death, a million times over already. They're tired. Think of new ones.

Third- Pain and Rain? I mean, really? Come on. You can do better than that.

che

_________________
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.

hahaha If i could do these three,I would be a new shakespeare (:

_________________
"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire

Its so nice.There is a great website that has an innovative and creative way to touch hearts. They help you to express yourself in the most meaningful way that will impress anyone. Please get in touch with: www PlakYourPoem com and experience the essence of inspiring gifts.

Its good Tony. As Che says, be aware of the grammer your using when you write. When you place a comma, think what effect it will have if you place it there and if you don't. Your poem reads quite broken up at the moment because of the commas you used. It works and gives an interesting effect, and if that was intended then thats great.

If you like Shakespeare, try writing a few sonnets. Just practice with the form. Look up different sonnets and work within their form.

Keep writing.

thanks,moshei.I don't like shakespeare,i adore him.but i think i must give up,i see that my poems in english does not worth anything,and i prefer doing something at the best.if i can't,i don't even try.but many thanks...

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"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire

My advice to you is just that- better write in your native language. Poetry is difficult, if not impossible to write well in a foreign tongue.

All the scenes, phrases and emotions that come to you naturally in Turkish will sound clumsy and awkward in English because it doesn't come naturally. And this is detrimental to writing a good poem.

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Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and temperate...
(Shkspr)

and what about this one:

Compare me to a corpse,poet!
It's more alive and temperate...


( me )

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"God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire

I'm no poet

Something inside me
Is causing much pain,
I will fade soon I fear,
Will this rain melt me from my chains

My humor will collapse,
Where it goes to
Who knows?
But like a cursed corpse
My fear lurks in shadows...

Lightning comes from the sky!
So,my poor heart shatters...
My eyes no longer cry,
And nothing else matters

Take no offense to this. I am just editing, and changing the one line to give you an idea as to what Che means. You also do not have to rhyme everything.

Raven

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"You must learn there is a time to speak all of the truth, and a time to govern your tongue."
~Verin (The Wheel of Time)