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 Post subject: LOOK ITS MY POEM
PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 8:52 pm 
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SALVATION

you say you say to me think salvation

i''m bleeding u say think salvation

salvation means nothing

salvation is in the key in which i hold

the box that i hide the box that u will never find

i hold the only key i know the only place

but still in my last minutes as i die

all u say to me is think salvation

and this this is my suicide

my only hope

my last right

but still u say think salvation

i stand above the water

holding my chest but still nothing but blood

blood from the shoot from the gun that u hold in ur hand

i laugh as i fall backwards into the water

and yet u lean over the bridge and you scream salvation

wheres ur salvation now i yell as i hit the water

and once again i disapper into the night as it once was written

and once again as it was told

i've shown

for i am salvation :D


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 9:46 pm 
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That is a cool poem hotrodqueen5!

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 Post subject: Re: LOOK ITS MY POEM
PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 4:08 am 
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hotrodqueen5 wrote:
SALVATION

you say you say to me think salvation

i''m bleeding u say think salvation

salvation means nothing

salvation is in the key in which i hold

the box that i hide the box that u will never find

i hold the only key i know the only place

but still in my last minutes as i die

all u say to me is think salvation

and this this is my suicide

my only hope

my last right

but still u say think salvation

i stand above the water

holding my chest but still nothing but blood

blood from the shoot from the gun that u hold in ur hand

i laugh as i fall backwards into the water

and yet u lean over the bridge and you scream salvation

wheres ur salvation now i yell as i hit the water

and once again i disapper into the night as it once was written

and once again as it was told

i've shown

for i am salvation :D


Sorry, couldn't stomach that. you overused the word salvation until the point I want to slap you. Also,its hard to rake your poem seriously when you wont even take the time to type out "you" and "your." and dont use any commas although you need some.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 2:05 pm 
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I have to agree, I know that repetive using of a certain word can have dramatic effect, but maybe substitue "salvation" for something else, or reword it a bit. It will help more in the long run.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 3:06 pm 
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Good, just keep writing.. you would surly do better..

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:27 pm 
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The above is a prime example of why i despise free verse -- passionately.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 4:21 pm 
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welcome back Drister, you've been away a while.

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