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 Post subject: A first for me
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 6:35 am 
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First, I'd like to extend my salutations since I am new to this site. Secondly, I have taken the time to read many of the forum topics on here and I will say that it's comforting to find something more on a mature and thoughful level. Not to mention overlooking many, many of the quotes and realizing just how many of them I recall. Quite a fantastic grouping I must admit!
I actually wanted to post something of my own, as a new member, and see what you all thought of it since I've seen you all giving your insight here and there.



Intrepid Heart


Life is but a hurried road
Norths and Souths and sides we road,
A bitter journey towards the end
Matched with faces once called friends.
Lone we dared to tread these paths
Rights and wrongs we seldom tasked,
Simply we wandered unaware
To where silver meets the air.
In our time we well have versed
That life is dual and preverse
It is joyous and it is waged
It has youth and has it's age
But still it knows it's not to grieve
For strong hearts save a torn sleve.


Again, very nice website, I am sure it'll easily become one of my most frequented!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 6:49 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:40 am
Posts: 4043
Location: Land of the Pyramids
Hello ChriserD ... you are welcome :)

This poem is really great... it has got a deep meaning of life... I liked it as a whole and touched especially by these 2 verses:
"It is joyous and it is waged
It has youth and has it's age "

See how life can be amazingly paradoxical ... you are talented...just keep it up.

Libra.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 9:54 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:51 pm
Posts: 3071
Location: University of New Hampshire
Welcome ChriserD.
If may offer a little constructive criticism

"Lone we dared to tread these paths
Rights and wrongs we seldom tasked,
Simply we wandered unaware
To where silver meets the air.
In our time we well have versed
That life is dual and preverse "

The rhyming on these three pairs of lines seems a little forced. it seems almost as if you settled with a word that wasn't exactly the one you wanted, just because of the rhyme.

"to where silver meets the air"

i realize that that is simply providing a destination, but again, it seems the rhyme between "air" and "unaware" was forced to fit with the rest of the poem having rhyme.

"in our time we have well versed"

the word versed doesn't seem to quite fit the context here, that one might just be me missing something.

It is still very good. those are just things i noticed when i was reading it, it may just be me who saw that though. Keep writing! :D

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 4:29 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 13, 2006 10:00 pm
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Hello. :D

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.Ngeok.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 4:37 pm 
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cdsg23 wrote:
Welcome ChriserD.
If may offer a little constructive criticism

"Lone we dared to tread these paths
Rights and wrongs we seldom tasked,
Simply we wandered unaware
To where silver meets the air.
In our time we well have versed
That life is dual and preverse "

The rhyming on these three pairs of lines seems a little forced. it seems almost as if you settled with a word that wasn't exactly the one you wanted, just because of the rhyme.

"to where silver meets the air"

i realize that that is simply providing a destination, but again, it seems the rhyme between "air" and "unaware" was forced to fit with the rest of the poem having rhyme.

"in our time we have well versed"

the word versed doesn't seem to quite fit the context here, that one might just be me missing something.

It is still very good. those are just things i noticed when i was reading it, it may just be me who saw that though. Keep writing! :D


I do very much appreciate your criticism. You were correct in many things that you pointed out, some of my ways of phrasing things are unique, especially since sentences such as "In our time we well have versed" aren't common in every day speech, however, I was trying to be unique in flipping words to derive the same meaning.
As for "Where silver meets the air" that was supposed to be a metaphore for every cloud having a silver lining, it was intended to reflect innocence and optimism during the walk of unpredictable life; hense the previously written "Simply we wandered unaware", meaning we walked content in not knowing, staying optimist whatever ahead, and then of course continues to explain that life is a turn of two plays, it's lesser and it's greater goods.

I hope that this clears it up a bit - I know when I start to write it sometimes doesn't always turn out completely coherent! Thank you VERY much though for your comments, it helped me to see a possible short-coming in my style.

Thank you also to everyone else for your praises and critism, I intend to further share my work in future.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 4:39 pm 
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Ngeok Nean wrote:
Hello. :D


Hey there! Greetings and salutations :) How are you this evening? Should it be evening that is- I'm in Maryland myself.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:42 pm 
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well it was late afternoon what that was written, but now it's dinner time. Hmmmhmmm food.... would that not be nice.... Oh, Hi to! My evenings probably gona be fun and games. Literaly. And you?

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 8:45 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:51 pm
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Location: University of New Hampshire
Chriser, you're welcome, sometimes it helps to have someone read who DOESN'T know what thoughts you are starting out with when you wrote the poem, that does clear things up a little.

And keep posting poems!



oh, and by the way, Welcome! :D

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Sanctuary: a small safe place in a troubling world


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