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 Post subject: The Wheel
PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 5:03 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:51 pm
Posts: 3071
Location: University of New Hampshire
Okay, here's another one

“The wheel”

Turning, turning, always turning
Everlasting power,
Everlasting time,
A complete circle,
Birth, life, death
Death holds us captive,
Coming after life,
And before Birth
Life sooths and comforts
Lessening death’s blow
Birth hands us to life,
Giving us to caring hands,
The wheel of time holds us captive,
And somehow I don’t really mind.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:52 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 8:00 am
Posts: 279
' The wheel weaves as the wheel wills '


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:13 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 3:23 pm
Posts: 661
Location: England
Turning, turning, always turning
Everlasting power,
Everlasting time,


I'd suggest a full stop after 'time' here because you then go on to use the indefinite article to add a metaphor- though I suppose a semi-colon could work if you'd prefer that.

A complete circle,
Birth, life, death
Death holds us captive,


The juxtaposed enjambement of 'death' is a difficult without punctuation. I like the flow induced by the rhythmic commas, so I'd suggest:

'birth, life, death
holding us captive'?

Coming after life,
And before Birth


This is a little bit didactic- do you see how it sounds like a statement of prose rather than a poem?

Life sooths and comforts
Lessening death’s blow


Punctuation.

Birth hands us to life,
Giving us to caring hands,
The wheel of time holds us captive,
And somehow I don’t really mind.

Nice way to finish with the close rhyme of hand and mind.

_________________
"The proper study of mankind is man."
Alexander Pope


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