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Drister
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 Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:34 pm |
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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:57 am
Posts: 174
Location: New Jersey, USA
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It's been a while since I've done something productive on this forum, but now seemed like as good a time as any to become active again.
I couldn't help but noticing a few poems being posted by some members, so I figured I'd try my hand at something new =-P. I tried to use the Spenserian form of sonnet as much as possible. Since it's a sonnet, it doesn't have a title other than Sonnet 1, but i didn't think that using that as the title for this thread would be very attractive. Please tell me what you think of it, as it is my first attempt at a sonnet, and I always want to improve. Critiques are more than welcome =-]
Before my eyes she I love does traverse
The treacherous trail to transcendence.
I know not what God she did coerce
To attain such a flawless ascendance,
But he accorded her heavenly radiance:
Eyes of the ocean and the sun’s own hair.
Tonight, she dons a mask imbued in puissance
To capture the man who stands of her, aware.
Little does she realize—little does she care—
The man does not fancy the audacious façade.
Though, sadly, he lacks the virtue to her declare
That he would love her better less the fraud.
Of this beguiles from her, but too does lie—
The silent man of course, my friends, is I!
_________________
What is the purpose of life? The answer is perhaps the most profound, enigmatic reason - to live
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patsm
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 3:37 am |
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Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 8:00 am
Posts: 279
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excellent poem - ' hope to maybe ' as title
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ebonyjester90
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Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 4:22 pm |
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Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 4:57 pm
Posts: 27
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Very very flowing! I like how you made the transition from beauty to rejection, and applaude you! Great job! ^~
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The two best things in life start with the letter M. Monty Python and M&M's. =^.^=
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Drister
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Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 12:26 pm |
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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:57 am
Posts: 174
Location: New Jersey, USA
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does anyone actually understand it?
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What is the purpose of life? The answer is perhaps the most profound, enigmatic reason - to live
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cdsg23
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Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 7:23 pm |
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Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:51 pm
Posts: 3071
Location: University of New Hampshire
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I think i got that, it speaks very powerfully of a love for something so beautiful and pure it resembles the earth itself, and how that purity stops him from acting on that love.
i don't know if that's what you tried to say, but that's what i got out of it
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patsm
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:30 am |
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Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 8:00 am
Posts: 279
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maybe it is a case of -
' la donna e mobile '
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Drister
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:01 am |
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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:57 am
Posts: 174
Location: New Jersey, USA
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cdsg23, you were right on. kudos =-]
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What is the purpose of life? The answer is perhaps the most profound, enigmatic reason - to live
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cdsg23
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:02 pm |
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Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2002 4:51 pm
Posts: 3071
Location: University of New Hampshire
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when you write poetry you tend to gain a deeper understanding of what others are trying to say through their poetry.
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Fish Are Quick
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Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:04 am |
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Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 3:23 pm
Posts: 661
Location: England
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Before my eyes she I love does traverse
The treacherous trail to transcendence.
I know not what God she did coerce
To attain such a flawless ascendance,
- The first line reads a little awkwardly because of the syntactical inversion 'she I love.'
- The second line seems a little trite because of the club-thumping alliteration, I'd suggest replacing 'trail' for 'path,' thereby retaining your syllable count.
- Third line: 'what' possibly to 'which'
But he accorded her heavenly radiance:
Eyes of the ocean and the sun’s own hair.
Tonight, she dons a mask imbued in puissance
To capture the man who stands of her, aware.
-The rhyming of radiance with puissance seems a little forced, but I think you can just about get away with it- though you'll probably need to change 'in' (third line) to 'with.'
- Fourth line: 'of her' doesn't really make sense, perhaps you mean 'off' or better, to replace it with 'from.'
Little does she realize—little does she care—
The man does not fancy the audacious façade.
Though, sadly, he lacks the virtue to her declare
That he would love her better less the fraud.
- Rhyming a bit iffy with façade and fraud...
Of this beguiles from her, but too does lie—
The silent man of course, my friends, is I!
Not a strict pentameter, but your rhythm is nonetheless ok. A good piece of work overall, particularly content and imagery wise. Keep writing.
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"The proper study of mankind is man."
Alexander Pope
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Drister
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Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:52 am |
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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:57 am
Posts: 174
Location: New Jersey, USA
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Thank you, that's the kind of response post i've been hoping for =-]
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