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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:09 pm 
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Here is another one to judge. What do you think be totally honest.

When I walked into the room
And saw the gloom
I suddenly remembered the night
Of that terrible fight
I saw you looking at me
But I just couldnt see
why you look so sad
and why he looked so mad
And know that your gone
Your spirit can move on
And you'll always be in my heart
Like you were from the start

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:26 pm 
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... depth = zero

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:31 pm 
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messy. and not cordial for me.
also why do you insist on rhymes ?
sad, mad
night, fight
room, gloom
me, see..


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:38 pm 
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The rhymes are forced, with no real organisation. I don't feel anything again and I'm sure I am not a robot. As Drister said, no depth. No imagery that makes you want to weep etc. You have to compare your feelings to something, and that is a skill. Anyone can write what you are writing. It is daily; it is basic; it is emotionless really.

Maybe do read poetry, although I thought otherwise a couple of minutes ago. It will let you understand it better and it's various mechanisms. Though, you should know the devices if you insist on writing poetry.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:38 pm 
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i've never really liked poems that rhymes. but thats just me.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:52 pm 
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DCGurl1 wrote:
And you'll always be in my heart
Like you were from the start

Well I love those last 2 lines. I'm feeling in a romantic-ish mood and it's very sweet. bittersweet though the poem is.
I have to agree though. Not much depth as y'all are saying.
I love poetry, I'm not very good at judging as I like most anything no matter how bland they may seem to others.
So overall, it's okay, but I think you can do better :wink: with all this criticism you'll be able to improve your poems. Don't give up.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 6:16 am 
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Webbratz wrote:
DCGurl1 wrote:
And you'll always be in my heart
Like you were from the start

Well I love those last 2 lines. I'm feeling in a romantic-ish mood and it's very sweet. bittersweet though the poem is.


"like you were from the start"
my poor understanding found 2 meanings :

1- the writer didint interest at first or didnt show his interst to the girl even he loved

2- the wirter was crazy for the girl at the begining then thought "love will pass one day", but love hasnt passed and this made him think "love wont pass soon too"


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:00 pm 
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1- the writer didint interest at first or didnt show his interst to the girl even he loved

2- the wirter was crazy for the girl at the begining then thought "love will pass one day", but love hasnt passed and this made him think "love wont pass soon too"


well the biggest thing here is the fact that i am not a guy.okay. And just because someone is in your heart doesnt mean you love them.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:04 pm 
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Quote:
because someone is in your heart doesnt mean you love them.


why not ?


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:05 pm 
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DCGurl1 wrote:
well the biggest thing here is the fact that i am not a guy.okay. And just because someone is in your heart doesnt mean you love them.


Well, what else can it mean if someone's in your heart? The traditional response to using the heart as a metaphor would be that you love him.

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I carry my smile in my pocket
A sight of beauty is opposed
Distorted and mutated faces of God
We paint; we visualize
We prove nothing but lies
You can't reclaim plates of lost souls

from 'Dying Light' by me


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 2:34 pm 
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poetry is what you feel in your heart you dont have to explain it. Its the feeling you get when you are writing. Whether it be freestyle ryhming or any thing else. Your just focusing on those lines you need to focus on the other lines to. I wrote it when i was thinkin back to a funeral i went to and i wish i could have done more. I cant really explain it.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 3:36 pm 
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DCGurl1 wrote:
poetry is what you feel in your heart you dont have to explain it. Its the feeling you get when you are writing. Whether it be freestyle ryhming or any thing else. Your just focusing on those lines you need to focus on the other lines to. I wrote it when i was thinkin back to a funeral i went to and i wish i could have done more. I cant really explain it.


The idea of poetry is you do explain what you're feeling.

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I carry my smile in my pocket
A sight of beauty is opposed
Distorted and mutated faces of God
We paint; we visualize
We prove nothing but lies
You can't reclaim plates of lost souls

from 'Dying Light' by me


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:10 pm 
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I have to agree... It is rather lacking in depth. Rhymes can be powerful tools, but here they seem to detract from the strength of the emotion you're trying to convey. I felt that your lines were too short to contain both deep feeling and a rhyme.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 7:08 am 
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Quote:
poetry is what you feel in your heart you dont have to explain it. Its the feeling you get when you are writing. Whether it be freestyle ryhming or any thing else. Your just focusing on those lines you need to focus on the other lines to. I wrote it when i was thinkin back to a funeral i went to and i wish i could have done more. I cant really explain it.


:?
:|

i cant write anything even a single instant message if i dont feel and dont live anything at a time.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 9:40 am 
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poetry doesn't necessarily have to explain feelings, just express them.which is different.

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