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 Post subject: How do you like this?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:28 pm 
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This is a poem I wrote I want to know what you think about it.

Its dark and lonley
No one here but me
I weep with sadness
As my heart starts to sink
I sit still although I blink
But I think of you all day
And in my dreams

What is your opinion?

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 19, 2006 11:43 pm 
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Well, you could use more original descriptions. And it doesn't feel like a proper poem to me. No actual images through metaphors except with 'sink' but that's used very commonly. The last two lines have been used endless times in songs.

So, I would scrap this poem and maybe going onto another one.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:32 am 
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As an avid writer and reader of poetry I would have to disagree with GIC, for one thing I do not think there is a "proper poem" any more, espcailly these days with all the revolutions contomperay poets have made in the poetry world, the poem is a thing that has been evolving since the very first poem was written

I found nothing wrong with your poem, it is powerfully emotional, and the expression of emotion is one of the things vauled in the mondern world of poetry. And first and foremost a poet must write for themselves above all else.

The only thing I would point out, is that there is a bit of inconsistint rhyme, I do not know if this was intentional but the 4th and 5th lines rhyme well the rest of the poem does not

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:57 am 
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I must say, I didn't feel any emotion from it at all. And I'm a writer myself, published and with a future in writing. The poem resembled no originality and no power.

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I carry my smile in my pocket
A sight of beauty is opposed
Distorted and mutated faces of God
We paint; we visualize
We prove nothing but lies
You can't reclaim plates of lost souls

from 'Dying Light' by me


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:25 am 
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Of course you are free not to like the poem, it might not speak to you, there are poems I do not like, but to say I personally do not like this becaue of this and that and the other thing is different then making a statement like this is not a proper poem, because that is just a false statement.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:31 am 
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i didnt feel anything too.
it sounds daily sentences had used in poem.
also -for example- everybody feels "sadness", "happiness", etc. but what makes yours different, in other words, everybody *says* they feel the same emotions, but each person live/feel them different because of individual differences. so i expect to see/feel this difference in poems.

out of subject i believe that if someone doesnt feel an emotion againist to someone/something/situation, s/he shouldnt try to describe or pretend to feel it.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 1:53 pm 
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well, i honestly can't stand free verse, if that's what you were aiming for... and there was no iambic pantameter, or it's reversal (can't remember the name right now... >=-|) ... there's no rhyme scheme... uh... yeah, and the depth is... how can i put this... non-existant

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:00 pm 
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well I was really going for what could I do to make it better you know. But I know I'm not the most excellent writer. But I think the reason that my last two lines sound like they would be in a song is because I write songs and believe me I am much better at that.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:06 pm 
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if you want to be able to wright poetry really well, you need to do the following - READ LOTS OF POETRY, try and make it classical, or at least from poets who are regarded as really good, so you don't go off and do sh*tty, copying what some slacker wrote... read Edgar Allen Poe... he was damn good

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:11 pm 
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THANKS I'LL DO THAT

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:26 pm 
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k, good

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:35 pm 
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Drister wrote:
if you want to be able to wright poetry really well, you need to do the following - READ LOTS OF POETRY, try and make it classical, or at least from poets who are regarded as really good, so you don't go off and do sh*tty, copying what some slacker wrote... read Edgar Allen Poe... he was damn good


Well, I don't think reading poetry is an answer really. I had never read a poem and I started writing poetry on my own terms. From the beginning I've been very good to excellent (obviously wrote some extremely poor ones). I still read little poetry; it's not that interesting to read as opposed to writing.

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I carry my smile in my pocket
A sight of beauty is opposed
Distorted and mutated faces of God
We paint; we visualize
We prove nothing but lies
You can't reclaim plates of lost souls

from 'Dying Light' by me


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 7:04 pm 
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I KNOW REALLY THE MEANING OF THAT FEEL BUT HOW TO EXPRESS IT IS THE HARD THING NOT EVERY ONE CAN DO IT FROM FIRST...SO THE MEANING BALANCED WITH LEVEL OF WORDS ...

AS I SEE REALLY THE MEANING OF UR WORDS CAN USED BY DIFFERENT WAYS AS THIS FEEL SO DEEP AND HAVE GREAT PAIN (I MEAN WORDS EXPRESS IT MORE BETTER)..

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