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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 7:38 am 
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I met him during summer vacation.
A Thursday morning.
Yet, vacations usually dissolve the names of weekdays.
The name of the ice cream parlor
was “Candy Village”.
Where orange napkin dispensers crowned
red checkered tables
and the counter tops
were worn by the
elbows of kids who like chocolate frappes.
When I saw him first
he was serving a little girl
with freckles.
She liked rainbow jimmy’s on her sundae.
Just like me.
But that was a long time ago.
I asked for pistachio on a cone.
The most adult phrase ever uttered
in an ice cream store.
I studied his face while he scooped
my order.
He had made too many hard decisions too soon.
And now,
he had to labor over sherbert and chocolate candies
to help his mom pay bills.
A buzzer sounded to let a group of tourists know
their french fries were ready.
I left with more than sticky hands
and spare change.
I left with respect
for a new friend.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 7:44 am 
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I'm fifteen and I wrote this in english class yesterday. I liked it and just felt the need to "put it out there". I'm dying to hear what people think about. Please tell me even if you HATE it. I value your opinon greatly. Thankyou.
Love. :)


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 2:53 am 
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I'm not in any way shape of form a poetry expert, but personally, I liked what I read for the most part. Especially because it was fairly simple and I think the best work is simple on the surface with layered meanings.

ok now onto me being critical. I felt the biggest problem was the poem didn't seem solid. OK thats a terrible way to describe it, but it was like "what is this poem about"?!

The message I felt was fantastic. I like the idea that you felt respect for this boy because of his hard work. A poem like this though, that tells a story of sorts, shouldn't leave the reader asking questions like how does she know these things about this boy? If they became friends eventually, then how could she walk out of the ice cream parlor after this first encounter with a new respect. Also, your poem begins with, "I met him..." but never describes the meeting.
This sounds more like a story with not enough detail. I personally believe a poem should be filled with detail, it gives the work color and life. It seems a bit thin I think.

The story is a wonderful one, and has enormous potential I think. Keep writing and iron out those little wrinkles and you will have a work worthy of publication! Keep writing love! and don't take my criticism to harshly, many a great poet didn't listen to the barks of critics. The important thing is this poem is as you envisioned it. If this is how you wish your poem to be, then it is perfect!

~Dorkis


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:10 am 
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Much betterthan I could do.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 7:50 am 
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I really liked it

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 4:09 pm 
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I agree with Dorkis. I loved the poem and the message was great, but it seems much like a short story that leaves you guessing. Hehe I don't mean to be cynical but just a tad more detail might perfect this piece :D keep wrighting and perfecting your talent!
~Drake

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:16 pm 
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Thankyou for the replies. I am pleased. I really want to perfect my writing. Anything helps! Keep posting guys.
:D Love.


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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 6:49 pm 
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interesting, i thought it was good, very dramatic. Of course what do i know, my L. A teachers giving me a 72

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 12:09 am 
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I think the use of symbolism is great. The way the sentences are cut up gave a sense of disorder, which sets the mood for the conclusion. The descriptions created detailed imagery. However, it feels more like an incoherent prose than a poem. Perhaps more figurative language might make it better. I also think that you can elaborate more on the similarities between the speaker and the girl.

It has great potentials! Keep it up~ ^_^

sorry if my critique is too extreme. ^^"


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 8:54 am 
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I like the poem. The detail of the palour juxtaposed with the lack of other details works well; and the whole meeting is described through seemingly insignificant details (lke the tables). Also, the use of punctuation is really effective, especially combined with the layout. The splitting up of the lines 6-10 shows the randomness of how the persona is feeling; and the caesura in line 23 really emphasises the difference between the server/customer, boy/girl which is then overpowered by the enjambement of the last 2 lines. A poem is meant to tell a story: it does this really well. Well done!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 3:45 am 
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Goo Work... Keep it running.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 1:28 pm 
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agreed with Koutaku more of an incoherent prose than poetry but the message/thoughts certainly are beyond your years ........ a really good one ........ if its your first one than its even more marvellous ........ ppl usually express things they are most comfortable with: love, beauty etc etc ......... and if you started with this this shows maturity well beyond your years .......


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 1:31 pm 
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I liked the ending!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:20 pm 
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I thought it was a very interesting poem. Simple in it's selection of words and yet containing a much deeper meaning. I'd say it's pretty excellent (in my humble opinion).

8)

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 8:54 pm 
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Hey! Get out of here! The last thing we need is people like you infesting the forum. If you can just clam yourself, then stay, but otherwise, there is no need for vulgar, misused words, and if you're going to keep using them, please let me show you the door. That's not critism, it's an insult set out to insult.

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