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 Post subject: HELP!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:09 pm 
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QuoteMaster
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Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2003 3:40 pm
Posts: 117
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I need someone to look over this poem. Tell me what you think and what I need to fix. Go ahead and be as harsh as you want. I'm used to it.

Dad

My life used to be content
Then you told me what you meant

You said I didn’t know the truth
But you never had any proof

Remembering your lies
Bringing tears to my eyes

You made me feel weak
Now listen while I speak

You made me feel a pain
That no words can explain

I thought you were a friend
But that was all pretend

When I see you I get mad
You always make me feel sad

You don’t even seem to care
Acting as if I’m not there

But why would you bother
You don’t act like my father

You waited too long
And done so much wrong

Now it is too late
To get over the hate

I just wish that you only knew
That I needed to feel loved too

    _________________
    “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.”~ Frost, Robert


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     Post subject: ............
    PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:44 pm 
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    i thought that was very good!! very deep too, i have a bad relationship with my dad and i could relate it it. :D well done


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     Post subject: ^_^
    PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:13 pm 
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    QuoteMaster
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    Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2003 3:40 pm
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    Thank you. I think I might give it to him... Or publish it in a school journal our school comes out with every year. I'm kind of afraid to show it though.

    _________________
    “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.”~ Frost, Robert


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     Post subject:
    PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:34 pm 
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    Your point comes across clearly. When the lines constantly rhyme, I find that a bit too repetitious. From your comment I asume that you are still pretty young and I certainly think that you're doing well for that. :mrgreen:


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     Post subject:
    PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:38 pm 
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    Location: Kew Gardens, London, UK
    i thought it was brilliant :D could you explain a little more about it?
    it reminds me of a poem i wrote when i was thirteen (i am fifteen now)...

    To my ex-father

    When I called to you,
    You turned away.
    I’ve still ignored me,
    To this very day.

    When I was lost,
    In a cloud of dust,
    You left me,
    You lost my trust.

    And now you reach back again,
    As if it never happened
    It hurt me so much,
    My heart was weakened

    You were not the arm, who supported me,
    It did not belong to you,
    You ran away in my time of need
    And you won’t admit its true

    So stay away now,
    You’ve had your turn
    Don’t contact me
    at least I hope you learn.

    Leave things be,
    I’ll be alright,
    Not that you cared,
    It was you I had to fight

    livy

    _________________
    be kind, for everybody you meet is fighting a hard battle- plato


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     Post subject:
    PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 11:31 am 
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    Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 7:00 am
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    Location: the uk
    Wow! Both those poems are so touching.They seem so raw yet beautiful.U can really identify with it even if you are lucky enough to have a good relationship with your father.You have both given me an insight. Thankyou


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     Post subject:
    PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:06 am 
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    I love it livy. Here is what happened. If you don't feel like reading don't bother. I hope you can keep up. I never really wrote this out and I'm really skipping a lot. Yes, well my parents decided to get a sudden divorce. I was totally oblivious of everything that he was doing. Nothing illegal but he was very controlling of my mom and basically obsessed with money. Now that I think about it he never had time for us. (My mom and two younger sisters) He was always working. I'd see a total of two hours a day maybe and during that time he was always yelling about work, money, or at my mom because she would ask for him to be home more. He has his own trucking company. That was also another matter. Him working on his truck. Anyway in the beginning of 8th grade he basically kicked us out of our house and we moved in with my grandma. (Right next door) This all happened one year after my grandpa died and two after one of my best friends died. So, we four had to share one bedroom while he had the whole house. My poor mom had to support us (and still does with usually no support) on basically school employee’s salary. I know it’s not easy to raise three teenage girls on that. *sigh* During the eight months of my dad being next to us he’d start to have my sister (the middle child) come over. She’d spend weekends over there while we sat next door. I’d go over there on occasion but I couldn’t stand it. The house stunk of smoke and he’d have the bible out on the counter with our pictures around it. He’d make me feel guilty for not spending more time with him. I remember the day I truly lost all respect for him. The man I once looked up to had just me come over. Well, he began to tell me lies about my mom. Horrible lies that were no way true. He said she was with another man, spent too much money, and needed psychiatric help. He turned my mom’s cousins against her and even her sister. Personally I never liked her cousin’s wife. Now I can’t stand to look at her after how she called my mom mean things and on top of everything a bad, neglecting, mother. Well, in the end we got the house, my mom got us, he got us everyone weekend and on Wednesdays, he got a sick amount of money, and suddenly he had a girlfriend. Yes, he had her before the divorce was even legal and moved in with her. *shakes head* She is flipping rich! Oh, yes by the way she is less then five miles away from us now with him. Sorry I’m rambling on. So, here are a few new random things. 1) He brainwashed my younger sister. 2) He won’t let me go to church on Wednesday but lets her go to volleyball 3) He doesn’t care that I’m in the top of my class. 4) He told us he doesn’t plan on marring his girlfriend and yet he won’t let me see my boyfriend (my first boyfriend) because I see him too much at school and its unhealthy 5) He says I still don’t know the “truth” about my mom. 6) He honestly doesn’t love me 7) One night my mom, grandma, and sisters went to a hotel during a holiday and he stalked my mom to make sure she wasn’t with another guy (this happened when we were living with my grandma and the divorce was on its way) 8 ) He hid money from my mom 9) He told me one night as I asked him if I could go to a cast party for a play that if I just went and decided to go home to my mom’s then he could call the cops on my mom and me to force me to go back to him 10) He is suing my grandma for $15,000 because he helped her with some landscaping 3 years ago 11)He is forcing me to go to court so I can decide to not see him on occasions even though I am supposed to be able to already be able to decide that Once again I am terribly sorry for well bothering you.

    _________________
    “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.”~ Frost, Robert


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