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 Post subject: My First poem
PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2004 9:00 am 
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A Kiss

A kiss, to say hello, goodbye,
A kiss, for a child’s cry,
A kiss, to a mother from her son,
A kiss to thank everyone,
But the most magical kiss of all,
Is from the heart.
A sensational feeling from the start,
A gentle touch to begin,
A tingling feeling held with in,
When it ends the magic stays,
To comfort on those rainy days.

Is it any good or should i keep the day job :P


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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2004 11:19 am 
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I think its pretty good for the starters, let the poets decide........... 8)

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2004 6:19 pm 
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You capture a very nice idea in this poem. But something I tell to everyone whose poetry I read is watch the line breaks, each line should begin and end with a strong word. Also, each line should contain a single idea, and it shouldn't be choppy just to "make it a poem" if you know what I mean :roll: Another thing, don't repeat a word or phrase unless there is a purpose for the repeat, for instance to get a point across or to make a different point. And the last thing is most poetry written now does not rhyme and the beginning word of a line is not necessarily capitalized. That doesn't mean you can't rhyme or capitalize; it's your poem after all! But great work and keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.


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 Post subject: 1st poem
PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2004 2:38 pm 
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fairylight. . .a couple of things jumped out at me from a critical standpoint when reading your poem. . every word can take on significance suddenly in a poem. . for me in this poem the word 'But' jumped out at me. . .after several examples of the kiss. . .you mention 'but the most important kiss of all is the magical kiss from the heart'. . . i would argue that the mother's kiss to her son. . the kiss given to a crying child are also magical kisses from the heart. .not exceptions to experience of the magical kiss from the heart. .. .using the word 'but' negates the power of those earlier examples. . by trying to raise the kiss to an more important level. . so that your poem can philosophize the kiss' emotional power in part two of your poem. . the funny thing about poetry is that images are more powerful than philosophy. . so its not going to get any more magical than the thought of someone kissing a crying child. . .as for lab's comments about the line breaks. . i think he's refering to enjambment. a term used to indicate a thought carrying beyond a linebreak in poetry. . .the fact remains that there are poets who enjamb . and poets who don't enjamb. . .so its a matter of taste as to whether you want to do this or not. . . this poem. .tends not to enjamb. .and usually a poem with couplets tends not to enjamb. .because using end rhyme is a natural way to close out the thought. . but its also interesting to try not to do this. . .anyway. . i'd say keep your day job. . unless poetry starts to consume you with its ethereal fire. . then you can quit your day job. . because if and when that happens. .you won't have a choice in the matter.. .anyway


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 12:46 pm 
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I think it's cute. :-)

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 9:14 pm 
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I think it's really good. just from reading it (not critiquing) I think it captures the things that you feel within during those precious moments.
:D

But about quitting your day job... unless you have more poems, just one won't get you far. But keep writing! You've got talent. :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: i think
PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 9:02 pm 
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i think it's good :)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:48 pm 
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i liked it :D

livy

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:58 am 
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Keep the day job... :? :wink:

To be honest with you, when you are writing a poem, you want to be able to hold your readers attention. You want that when they read the first line, it grasps them and they are not able to let go. You want to have a lasting effect, that they shall be reading you poem over and over again. Or even so, when they are upset, they can read your poem and identify with it or find solice within the words...

Just a thought from a fellow poet.

Anubis

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