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 Post subject: The Child
PostPosted: Wed Nov 12, 2003 11:13 am 
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Well, I've decided to give you another poem. It's not unsimilar to the other one. ("The Boy Who Did Not Sleep") But all in all I hope that you like it that's why I write after all for others to enjoy it.

A few things before we go on to my poem though. I realize the stanzas aren't totally correct but I did do it on perpose. It may take away to the whole thing in general but when I write something I totally go with the flow so the way it ended is the way my subconsious and my consious (because I did have to edit it and you even if it is a subconsious thing that helps you write you are aware of what you write!) dicated it. So whitout further ado please enjoy. :)


The Child
**************************
This Little thing
A little child

It used to be so far away
Lost in it’s own world
Stuck between nothingness

This little thing
A child

I watched it struggle in silence
I watched it crawl from the shadows
Never quite reaching the light

This little thing
This little child

It was so far away
Reaching there was not an option
I could ever look upon

The little thing
A child

I let it die
It was so silent the day it went
I think I forgot it was there in the end

The little thing
The little child

Danced with the rain
And went with the pain
And now is but a memory

The little thing
A child

A memory past
Of pain
And bitter betrayal

But the little thing
The little child

Kept it’s innocence
When at last it fell asleep

*************************
I know, I know it is a bit morbid not as morbid as "The Boy Who Did Not Sleep" though... Anyways I realize it may seem a bit strange and the story a bit sketchy but I will repeat what I said before I go with the flow and this is where it brought me. This is the final product of my subconsious and my consious working together. I am not saying this is my best work I know I can do better with practice, (practice does make perfect after all!) as it is this is okay and I am bettering myself all the time.
Ps: Quest and Lab11198 (if you read this).I did write this a year ago and the other piece of writing I put up is a lot more recent so as you can see there is a bit of a diffrence. But I hope you liked it anyways. (I am placing this comment as a reason as to why it may not seem as good as the last one.)

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Last edited by Shadow's Echo on Sat Nov 22, 2003 6:23 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2003 9:40 pm 
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I had to reflect a while on this poem. I found it really interesting, and I'm not quite sure if I like it yet. Likes and dislikes are not something to be hastily jumped into. But anyway...

I'm sorry to say, but I'm not very good a critiquing poetry, so I'm afraid I'll need an explanation when you get the time. I think I might know what you're saying, but I'm nervous that I might be wrong (which could very easily be the case); I don't want to be thinking something that you didn't intend for the reader to get out of the piece. But I will tell you certain things that jumped out at me:


I noticed that you didn't stay in the same tense throughout the piece. You need to go back and change that.

The stanzas were a bit confusing. I didn't know if you meant the lines like "This little thing/ This little child" to be a part of the stanza before or the one after.

Another gramatical thing that has to be changed is in the line "Reaching there was not a option" needs to be changed to "an option." That could have just been a typo, but if it wasn't I wanted to draw it to your attention.

I really liked how you kept changing the lines of "This little thing/ A child" throughout the poem. It was a subtle change that really made a difference.

I also have a question for you. How do you have the courage to post your writing on the internet? I wouldn't dare to post my stuff because I would be afraid it would be stolen and copied.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2003 6:14 am 
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Lab11198:Thank you for your honesty I am glad that you at least found it interesting that is what it's suppose to be to the reader. I'd like to thank you for your advice it is very helpful and I have to say whenever you write comments about my writing I am always left with something to think about and I like that. (I was given a brain I should use it!) Now to answer your question I post my things up because how else would I get other people to read what I write? Sure I could give to my friends (which I do) but when I ask for their opinion they aren't quite as honest as a perfect stranger can be. (For example you^^) As for the stealing bit well, I'm not sure my writing is good enough that someone would actually want to steal it and anyway I try to believe in the good of mankind and what's done is done. I've already posted it so I can't take it back. That's allI have to say, if you have anymore question fell free to ask I'll answer them to the best of my ability.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2003 11:51 am 
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Hi Shadow's Echo,
I read your Poem and found it very interesting, But All You have in this poem is the reflection of pain, but the intensity is not great.But with the child one should bring in some happiness too, You are right that "Practice makes you perfect". So do keep writing. :D
Also Stuff might be stolen as pointed out, but one should be honest, Stealing never pays???

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