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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2003 7:06 am 
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There was a boy who did not sleep.

He had skin ivory pale, golden blond hair and sea blue eyes. He was a little angel.

This little angel was very quiet for he did not speak. He did not play nor move. For the little boy was paralyzed. He feared not anymore. No he did not fear the dark for his blue eyes did not see.

The little boy he was so bright. He could count to 10 and spell his name. He used to play soccer with his friends. He used to come home with drawings enough to cover our fridge. Now the little boy he does not play nor draw nor spell nor count. He does not know anything at least not anymore.

My brother was the little boy. I lived in his house and I watched him not sleep, not play, I watched him not spell and not count. I watched him decay.

The little boy did die one nice may day. Mother did not cry and Father did not care.(He had left long ago.) Mother loved him more then me. She denied his death and killed me. She buried me under a tree so she could pretend another day, that the little boy was fine.

Then one day Mother unburied me, and I sat at our table not sleeping, watching our father at his seat his wrists were cut from one end to the another, his eyes lie before him on an empty plate. His decaying rot staining the odour of the kitchen which I remember was fresh. He would have left had Mother not tied him and killed him like me. My Mother she prayed not noting our death. For death in her house was not to be we were too happy a family.

She drank her cup and sat real stiff and now she sleeps no more.

Now all our family cannot sleep, cannot dream, cannot eat.

There was a boy who did not sleep.

***************************
Morose and morbid, I know. But otherwise... what did you think? Wasn't too bad was it? I know it's confusing and a bit repetitive but... what's done is done no? Just tell me what you think, I'll be glade to fix it up if you think it can be saved after all, all authors love their 'babies' and want to make them readable... Well, that's all I have to say I won't bore you with my blabber anymore bye :)

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Last edited by Shadow's Echo on Thu Dec 04, 2003 7:26 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2003 2:33 pm 
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Hello again, Shadow! Thanks for sharing your writing. Morbid, yes. The repetition helps set the dark mood and the cycle of hopelessness the characters are experiencing. In some places the rhythm adds to this effect; in other places the rhythm is just a syllable or two off, which slightly interrupted the fluency of my reading. Overall, I think you've a good start on an interesting piece of poetic prose.

Do you have anything else to share? :D

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2003 8:55 pm 
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I thought it was well written. The only thing I have to ask you is if the speaker is dead how can he/she talk, smell, and see? Unless you purposely did that for some specific reason that I'm not catching on to, it doesn't make sense.

I really like how you said that the little boy doesn't sleep, and then the speaker doesn't sleep, and the mother doesn't sleep. People usually think of death as eternal sleep, and I liked how you said they don't sleep anymore because they're dead.

Keep up the good work!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2003 4:11 pm 
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Quest: Sorry I haven't said anything in a long time, I was a bit busy with other things. I'm glad that you like this and I'm thinking about posting up something else sometime soon. Hope you'll comment on this too. :)
lab11198: Well, I am glad that youi found it well written I have to admit I wasn't too sure about it. I am also glad that you like my diffrent approach on the death thing.
Now as for your comment
lab11198 wrote:
The only thing I have to ask you is if the speaker is dead how can he/she talk, smell, and see?

Well, this is a bit hard to explain but you see it's threw the eyes of someone dead (of course) but whoever said the dead can't see or smell? You can't really say you know since you aren't dead. Now for the character being able to speak. He's not speaking, he is more actually thinking. Now how can he think if he's dead? Well, think of it as a ghost possesing his own body. The fact is he knows that he's dead so he can't move, speak or eat but he remembers smell and his eyes are open so he can see. (He wouldn't be able to see if his eyes were closed because since he realizes he's dead he can't move, because dead people can'T move.) Now you must be saying WHY hasn'T he left his body if he knows he's dead. That answer you should have figured out but if you haven't ... because of the mother. The mother well you can tell that she doesn't want to give her family so why would he be able to leave in death?
Well I hope this answers your question. I have tried to answer it as fully as I can but truthfully I just went with the flow. So even know why what I wrote is the way it is. This may seem strange but hey! At least it's a good read write and my explination IS possible...

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* what power would hell have if those there could not dream of heaven?
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:13 pm 
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I understand your explanation, and I have a couple sugestions. Since the speaker is dead and remembers being able to see and smell, I recomend that you say that the speaker can't smell the decay but he/she remembers what it smells like and can imagine rather than actually smell it.

Another sugestion is maybe to put it in 3rd person. That would make the seeing and smelling issue less problamatic and might make it flow better.

I also have to ask you a question. Why would a ghost possess a dead body? That kind of defeats the purpose of possission. The ghost would have more freedom as a ghost than in the possession of a dead person. And wouldn't a ghost only posess a person in order to enjoy the senses (taste, touch, sight, etc.) of the living world?

One last question, where did you get the inspiration for this piece?


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 12, 2003 10:35 am 
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Lab11198:
Shadow's Echo wrote:
His decaying rot staining the odour of the kitchen which I remember was fresh.

Is this better? I made it so He remembers that it smelled fresh and he realizes that the decay is staining the odour.

Now for the possesion thing. I guess it's not really possesing it's more like not letting go. He doesn't want to let go of all he ever had, which as much as it is horrid is all he has. You know how the mother didn't want to let go of her family well neither did the main character which is why he is still in his own body. Also I'm not sure if he could have left even if he had wanted too. I mean the mother was pretty possesive, (Hey, she killed her husband just because he wanted to leave!) so maybe she wouldn't have let him leave. If her spirit is strong enough I supposes that that's plausible. This is just a theory though...
I suppose that a ghost that had had a normal life or an evil ghost would posses people to "become" human again but I don't think the main character was alive long enough to know much about anything when it comes to ghost and since the mother would let go of them in life why would she let them go in death?
As for your last question... how I get my inspiration? Now that's a hard question... I don't know... ^^; I just think of a beginning sentence (In this one I though up the title when I was brain storming for ideas because I was iching to write something.) or a title and then the rest just comes. I know it's not a good answer but the truth the ideas are always there they're just waiting to be written.
Well I hope this answers all your questions. I enjoy your comments they're well though out and they help me better my writing which is very important for me. (I think writing is one of the things I enjoy the most! :) )
Well, that's all. I hope I'm not to annoying with my long and somewhat complicated answers.

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* what power would hell have if those there could not dream of heaven?
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 Post subject: interesting
PostPosted: Wed Nov 12, 2003 7:12 pm 
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interesting. unsettling.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2003 2:56 pm 
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dayzdeuphoria: Thank you for your comment I am glad that you foud it interesting. As for the unsettling part... well what can I say? I must have been in a ... strange mood at the time.

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* what power would hell have if those there could not dream of heaven?
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2003 4:34 pm 
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I really liked it. It gave a new perspective on thoughts and feelings. As for the story around it; I think it would make a good murder investigation for a show or a movie. Good job!

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2003 7:41 pm 
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Perfectionist16: I'm glad you enjoyed! A new perspective was what I wanted. I always want to make people see a diffrent vision of the world. I want people to see threw the eyes of a stranger just for a moment when they read my writing. I want to give them a part of someone else mind because when a person reads something they don't really want to read about themselves. That's just what I think anyways... Anyway I am just glad that you liked it!^^

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2003 9:43 pm 
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It makes a lot more sense now with your explanation. Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.

I read over it again and have some more comments. I think the whole thing might be more dramatic if you cut the last line. We already know the boy is dead; it would be a lot more haunting if you just left it with the repeition of the first line: "There was a boy who did not sleep."

I don't know if you just made a typo, but the line "For death in her house was not to be we were too happy a family" needs a semi colon after the "not to be" otherewise you'll have a run-on sentence.

I like how you made the whole thing sound poetic even though it was prose. Great descriptions too. Nice job!

I'm sorry that I've basically dissected you piece, but I hope my suggestions were helpful. I hope you'll share more of your work. Keep up the good work!


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2003 3:40 pm 
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Fascinating. I had to mull over it before I decided I liked it- everyone else's comments helped me think it through. Perhaps it's just me, but you might explain the mother a tad more, specifically why she killed the speaker. I too hate to dissect your work, more than it already has been. It just left me at the end waiting for more, thinking, "Hold, why did he die?" Out of curiosity, were you inspired and/or do you like the poet William Cullen Bryant?


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2003 7:05 am 
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MusicIsLife:Okay first of all I don't mind it at all that you are 'disecting' my work after all how else would I make it better? (if you just say it's good what am I suppose to do with that?It's good doesn't tell me anything other then that you liked it which is a good thing but the fact is it won't really help me that much...)

Now for the mother part I suppose that it's a bit hard to see. You see the mother is a strong (and ironically weak) willed person. Let's just say that she dosen't want to admitt that all the people she cares for(assuming that she has no other relatives and also assuming she was a housewife and basically didn't care much for a social life outside of that. A good reason why the husband would've wanted to leave other then the fact that she was obssesive.) are dead or wanted to leave her so what other way did she have then to do this. Sure she could've found another solution but the fact is she didn't. But to make things clear the following quotation is the reason why she killed him.

Shadow's Echo wrote:
She denied his death (the little boy's) and killed me.


Now she killed the speaker because it was the only she could support her own denial. I mean there is a diffrence between a walking breathing person and a dead one. So seeing as she didn't want to face it she killed the one that was alive then buried him because well the truth was at the time she didn't want to admitt to herself that she was actually a killer (and well she obviously didn't like him as much as the little boy) though that isn't said. (I suppose most writers expect others to see what isn't written which is hard I know... but I don't think I could have written it any other way. No it wouldn't have had the same results if it had been written differently.) Now to futher develope what I said the reason why in the end she unburies him(and this should be obvious to you) is because in the end it doesn't matter and he's dead (and everyone elses too) so they can be a 'family' and you know what the mother does. I hope this fully answers you question.

Now for the last part, truth is I've never read any William Cullen Bryant so no I wasn't inspired by him. What does he write?

Truth is and I've said it before whatever I write to me well it just comes like that. I can't very well explain how I get my inspiration because it just comes as I said.(I wish it would come more often and more regularly but it is very irractic and it just comes and goes as it wills.)

Well, I hope that this answers all your questions.

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* what power would hell have if those there could not dream of heaven?
~Sandman


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2003 1:33 pm 
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William Cullen Bryant (1794–1878) writes poetry. For some reason your work reminded me a bit of his. His most famous piece is "Thanatopsis" http://www.bartleby.com/102/16.html . The name, which I believe he coined, is a combination of two Greek words: "thana", death, and "topsis", seeing. If I'm remembering my Lit teacher correctly....
Thanks for the explanation.


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