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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2003 1:54 pm 
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QuoteMaster
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Location: England
Mariantionette- Very well done, I must admit I find it hard to use this rhyme scheme but you pulled this off very tidily. If I say very too much in this reply, find a choice synonym and blurt it out over the top, :wink:

"There lies within this heart of mine,
A space so warm and deep.
This space is for my love divine,
His tenderness to keep. "

Might I suggest you change the first 'space' to place, purely because I'm not sure it's ncessary to have a repetition of the word, and leaving the second one unchanged still suggests that there is this place to be filled with love.

"I yearn so much to hold you close,
For a moment caught in time.
Or even longer if we chose.
Would heal this soul of mine. "

Ï think if you chose to have a punctuation mark at the end of the third line here, the final line stands a little alone and without reference, since the reader then has to ask what would heal the soul? So I think it might be an idea, to change 'would' to 't'would' and make the punctuation mark into a comma so it continues to flow.

"When driving in your car alone,
I’ll hope you thought of me,
And yearned so much; to be back home,
This poetry to see. "

I'm not sure why you decided to reverse the word order of the last line, I was thinking perhaps:

"To see/read this poetry"

Finally and I'm more hesistant about this since I like your ending and hope to change only a little:

"So, let’s go on, just as before,
And see what fate still brings.
You’re with me to my very core.
How gladly my heart sings. "

I originally had a problem with 'still brings' as I think it should be future tense, i.e. 'will bring' so then I looked at the rhyme below. I noticed you were following a tight syllable scheme so this won't work as well, but you can change the plural and add another word in, to give us this:

How gladly my heart doth sing.

Anyway I thought this was very very very very good (you were wondering where those extra very's were coming in, didn't you). It was a pleasure trying to work on this, I've been getting out of practice. Keep writing, please do.

-fish are quick!

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2003 2:23 pm 
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Sgt Fluffy
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Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2003 5:19 am
Posts: 393
Location: London, United Kingdom
Yep, I'm with Grant, you pulled of this rhyme scheme quite cleverly, and you really do make it look easy. I think that Grant's suggestions are great. Just two lil' things:

"I yearn so much to hold you close,
For a moment caught in time.
Or even longer if we chose.
Would heal this soul of mine.


I couldn't really make out Grant's suggestion for this stanza. Anyways, it would suit the poem better to have a comma on the third line, rather then a full stop. Thats the way I read it anyway.

Quote:
I'm not sure why you decided to reverse the word order of the last line, I was thinking perhaps:

"To see/read this poetry"

Well spotted Grant. She could do it either way. Somehow though, To see this poetry sounds better. I don't really know why, just the way its inverted sounds more elegeant. I'm probably wrong, but hey! thats what I think. :wink:

Thanks again, for sharing this. This is one for the files. :mrgreen:


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:03 am 
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QuoteMaster
QuoteMaster

Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 3:23 pm
Posts: 661
Location: England
Quote:
Hey do you get paid for this - you should you know


M'am, if only...

-fish are quick!

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Alexander Pope


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