Quotations and Literature Forum

I want some quotes that are funny, but can relate to life


Please list the source

A morning without coffee is worse than a day without sunshine.

Real Woodsmen don't carry toilet paper, they use dry leaves.

Friends who like to fish are as fish that tend to bite
But friends who will not fish are as fish that never strike.

Fibbing is to fishing as sipping is to drinking.

Only God can prevent forest fires!

If you walk a mile in my boots you will probably get blisters.

An ounce of luck is worth a pound of skill.

Do it the hard way or don't do it at all!
(Motto of Camp Juniper)

I seldom lie but I often misrepresent the truth.

Brazil nuts come from Brazil

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Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Audrey Woodhall

The greatest achievements are those that benefit others.

Lillian Gilchrest

None of my messages or postings have yielded any repiles yet ,
but I shall endure, stand tall, hold strong! (whatever...)

Here are some of MY favourites, of what you're looking for....

"Peolpe never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."
-B. White

"Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can."
-Elsa Maxwell
"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. "
-Gustave Flaubert
""The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
-Lucille Ball

Later days.

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**BONNÉÉ****

"If we weren't meant to have late night snacks........then why did God put a light in the refrigerator?"



Oatmeal

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Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Audrey Woodhall

The greatest achievements are those that benefit others.

Lillian Gilchrest

Catherine (age 16): "David, do you remember much from your childhood?"

David (age 13): "This is my childhood."

Daddy (to himself): "That's my boy!"

(3 October 2002, Daddy's birthday dinner)

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck-if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left.

Source: http://www.coolsig.com/

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God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that can’t be changed, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

This was one made by a friend in an inebriated state. What he was refereng to, I'm sure is self explanatory.


"....to the wounds that never heal, the deeper it goes, the better it feels."

- undisclosed.

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God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that can’t be changed, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

There’s a tasty turkey dinner scratching in my yard.
He’s an Old Boss Gobbler and the subject of a bard.
Little does he know what this holiday will bring?
Little will he care, when that dinner bell will ring!

I’ll sharpen up my hatchet, for some chopping I will do.
I’ll shoot that strutting gobbler with my trusty twenty-two.
He’ll flip and flop and flutter till I pluck his pelage clean.
And he won’t mind a bit if I pull the feathers from his wings.

I’ll dress him for our dinner and save a feather for my hat
I’ll stuff him full of dressing then sweep the welcome mat.
We’ll put him in the oven and bake him till he’s brown.
It’s Turkey Bird Thursday and the leaves are on the ground.

P.Delta, 2002

"If I were cheating, I'd be cheating off of my own paper." -Tommy Raymond Ott

"There are only three types of people in the world. People who can count, and people who can't count." -not sure

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"Oh my God!! That is such a secret talent!"
-Kristina Jackson

I swear, that doesn't smell like anything I ate.

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Those who quote and run away, are nothing but scared quoters...

. . . and furthermore, whoever smelt it, dea.. ermm.. is unfortunate.

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Those who quote and run away, are nothing but scared quoters...

Hope and Faith are sisters..... and they're both great in bed together

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God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that can’t be changed, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get Lost!

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Nonconformists are all alike.

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's party than being there.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

If all is not lost, where is it?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

A philosopher always knows what to do until it happens to him.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Unless you're the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Been There - sh-- Happened.

I'm tired of reality - I want a fairy godmother!!!!

Insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking."

A lady is a woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman.

Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.

My great-grandmother used to have a great reply whenever we'd ask:

"What are ya doin?"

She'd say, "Everyone I can and some of 'em twice!" She was in her 80's and still saying that. It always made me laugh.

I also like: Friends will help you move. REAL friends will help you move bodies. ---Anonymous (as far as I know)