Quotations and Literature Forum

What are your favorite quotes that give you a laugh?

They do not necessarily have to be intentionally funny, as long as they make you chuckle.

And all forms of humor welcome. It can be dry humor, satirical, sardonic, dark, etc..

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Every man carries a circle of hell around his head like a halo. Every man, every man has to go through hell to reach his paradise.
Robert De Niro, Cape Fear

Well, this one wasn't really meant to be funny, but when I saw it I laughed.

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it"
- Winston Churchill

He said something else that I liked, but I don't recall what the whole quote was. I think it was something like...

"Any man under 30 who is not a liberal has no heart. Any man over 30 who is not a conservative has no brain."

Come on, that's funny

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My name is supposed to say Ayreon, with the E before the O. This is the name of my favorite band. The name Ayroen is just a typo.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants to be happy.
............. Benjamin Franklin

Talking about music is like making love through mail.
............. Luciano Pavarotti

here is one I really like

When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it--Bernard Baily

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Every man carries a circle of hell around his head like a halo. Every man, every man has to go through hell to reach his paradise.
Robert De Niro, Cape Fear

Here is the one I like the most (well only for this section, though..! )

"It takes 56 Muscles to frown, and only four to pull the trigger of a rifle"

Cheers
CrazyPassions

i don't know if this made me laugh because of what it says or because it matches my opinion on drinking so perfectly.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Nancy Astor

hey guys, just signed up because i HAD to share this one...

"Take your age, now subtract ten years. Were you smart back then? No. You were a g**-d*** idiot. The truth of the matter is that you're just as big of an idiot today, it's just gonna take you ten more years to realize it..."

-Pvt. L. L. Church, Blue Army, Red Vs Blue (link removed due to forum rules)

This is a great thread, thanks Romeo for starting it


Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away.
Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004)

Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)

I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me.
Chris Rapier

why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains for centuries' go out of date in a few months?
(don't remember the author though.)

Being an icon is overblown. Remember, an icon is moved by a mouse....William Shatner.

N from Homer Simpson-
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.

The answers to life's problems ain't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on T.V.

What's the point of going out when you're gonna end up back here anyway.

The three little sentences that'll get you through life-
#1- Cover for me.
#2- Oh, good idea, Boss.
#3- It was like that when I got here.

Well when george bush got a shoe thrown at him recently he was quoted saying. "All i can report is that is was a size 10" That just made me howl!

"Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it"-Steve Prefontaine

Love that quote

also this one by Socrates always makes me smile.

"True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. And in knowing that you know nothing, that makes you the smartest of all. As for me, all I know is that I know nothing."-Socrates

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"Go now, You are forgiven"-Dispatch

Knowledge with no use is but a weakness.

Signed,
Le Nouveau Philosophe